Whenever I meet new people, and they discover what I do for a living, I usually get one of two reactions. It’ll either be a certain degree of disgust, especially if they’re a bit religious, or else they’ll smile a lot and tell me I’m the luckiest bugger they know. In both cases though, they ask quite a few questions about the swinging lifestyle, and more often than not the subject of jealousy will come up. It’s the thing that they’re least likely to understand. Just how is it possible that I could allow my wife to have sex with another man, without getting angry about it? Why doesn’t she get upset seeing me with another woman? Then they really shake their heads when I tell them that it turns my wife on to see me fucking another woman.
The truth of course, is that jealousy, or an absence of it, is one of the main things that sets successful swingers apart from the ‘straights’. Over the years I’ve found people in so-called normal relationships are much more likely to have a jealousy problem, and when new couples come along to one of our parties I often warn them that if they feel jealous when their partner plays with another person at a swinger’s party, then they should probably both go home because it’s not going to work for them.
In fact, sexual jealousy, out in the normal world, seems to rear its head in much stronger ways than ever seems to happen within swinging couples. In recent years, it’s also the advances in communications technology that’s really made it easy for jealous ‘straights’ to cause havoc to their current or former partners, in a way that almost never happens within the swinging scene, and often with big repercussions.
In the last couple of years, I’ve read about numerous instances where the revenge of jealous partners has seemed totally over the top. One of these was in the US state of Missouri where an ex-husband hacked into his wife’s email account, grabbed her address book, and then sent everyone in the address book, including her parents, a whole bunch of photos he’d taken of the two of them having sex, when they were married. All because he was pissed off that she was seeing another guy.
Another instance was even more vengeful. This time a brickie in England put his ex-lovers details onto a mobile phone text service (which was how they’d originally met anway), telling guys to come over to her house for sex. About 80 guys turned up before she finally worked out what was happening. After that he started telling guys what her work phone number was, so she’d get hassled there too. And what was her crime? Well, she’d broken off their relationship after she found out he was married, and he was pissed off because she wouldn’t answer his calls.
We even had a case much closer to home – that of former champion cyclist, Gary Niewand. Not only did he harass his ex-wife when she started seeing someone else, including surreptitiously pissing in a glass of champagne she was drinking, but he was also convicted of harrassing another ex-girlfriend with sexual explicit text messages.
Lest you think that this type of action is limited to the male of the species, you should also check out a website called www.dontdatehimgirl.com where women can leave details about their cheating ex-partner, even if there’s no proof that he ever cheated.
If you’ve ever had the serious urge to do similar things to one of you partners, then I’m afraid that swinging is not for you.
It’s almost as if people outside the swinging scene accept jealousy as something that’s certain to happen, while those of us who’ve been in this scene for a while generally have it under control. I’m not saying that there’s never jealousy amongst long term swingers – clearly it does happen at times - but the kind of over-the-top jealousy described above seems to be happily missing from our scene most of the time.